Tuesday, June 24
I've been doing this 'blog off and on for about six months now. I really don't know the direction of this space (but I haven't really known the direction of my Web site for nearly seven years now). So far, I don't really link to other Web sites, offer professional insight, commentary or dwell on my private thoughts. I never intended this to be a entirely personal or professional site and it's actually neither right now.
I guess the only attraction on this Web site is me, and goodness knows what limited quality I am. Beware, this is just a minor prelude before moving to the core of my thoughts -- as vague and personal as they seem. I need a canvas for my pensive brooding and a public Web page seems the best place. ;)
I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Something big in my life has just ended this weekend, and I'm coming to grips with it. It's the end of the first real interpersonal relationship in my life where I've really opened myself up.
I knew the ending was coming, but perhaps I've just been avoiding the inevitable -- or holding out hope. I don't know if the pain that sidelined me yesterday was the horrendous bug bites from the swampland that I found myself in or something else. Most likely the bug bites, because I don't think heartbreak includes swelled joints (Them bugs really got me).
I can look at the other person and not be entirely happy with the path that she's taking (although there's some pluses to her new course, I see many, many pitfalls ahead).
Still, it's water under the bridge. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and all that. ... I should be happy for her.
Throughout this entire, 20-month thing, I've encouraged (really preached) that we find personal happiness from within -- although we certainly drew from each other. Now a decision has been made that doesn't include me and I'm bummed out about it.
At the end, the thing that stinks to me is that there was nothing permanent or lasting -- except the memories. It's irksome that the truth would be only known to us (something that certainly isn't the case with her new path). It's something I would have wanted to shout and sing about, but was forced to keep under wraps (mostly), anonymous. Now it's smothered. Pity.
Well, enough of the pages of black text and lurid emoting, back to the Trek BBS, DVDs and late-night reading for me. ;)
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